


Just Not Enough

by Orlha



Category: Naruto
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Shikasaku children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27862626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orlha/pseuds/Orlha
Summary: Sakura knew it was only a matter of time. After all she had given up during the war, she knew her chakra coils were giving up on her. She didn't need anyone to tell her about it. Sakura couldn’t bear the thought of never healing again. Sakura would rather die than give it all up.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Nara Shikamaru
Comments: 11
Kudos: 128





	Just Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> **FYI it's a [Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings] tag. Be warned.**

Sakura knew it was only a matter of time. After all she had given up during the war, she knew her chakra coils were giving up on her. She didn't need anyone to tell her about it. She had struggled so much to become a medic-nin and to give it all away just because continuing to be a medic-nin, continuing to be a shinobi of any sort would kill her?

Sakura couldn’t bear the thought of never healing again. To feel the flesh knit below her hands, regrow the bones, flush poison out of the veins. Sakura would rather die than give it all up, and she would. 

“Sakura, you can’t keep doing this.” Shishou puts her hand over Sakura’s. “You’ll die. I lost so many already. Please don’t make me lose you too.”

Sakura flinches at Shishou’s words. What a low blow. She would rather die than to stop but even at the pain of her loved ones? She’s not so sure about that. Sakura didn’t have many loved ones left after the war.

“If you stop using your chakra altogether, you can live another good twenty years, Sakura-chan.” Shishou cups Sakura’s face. “Another twenty years you could live with Shikamaru. Marry, have children, watch them grow.”

But would it fill the gap of never using her chakra again? Sakura didn’t think it would. 

“ _Please._ ” 

Sakura grips Shishou’s trembling hands who pulls Sakura into her chest, letting Sakura weep.

It is Kakashi that signs her retirement papers. Kakashi, who hugs her equally tightly, silently thanking her. She can’t help but wonder if they know what she is giving up. 

She’s giving up her lifeblood, the only thing that gave her light when everything was dark, her joy, her soul.

She goes back to her apartment where Shikamaru is waiting. It’s not _her_ apartment anymore, it’s _theirs_ considering he had moved in more than a year ago. His face just as grave as Shishou’s and Kakashi’s. 

“I signed it,” she says to him as her shoulders shake. She signed her retirement papers, accepted the chakra suppression seal. As a civilian she would never be allowed to use her chakra again, never allowed to use the rooftop highway again.

She sinks into the sofa, lets Shikamaru tug her into a sideway hug and rests her head on his shoulder.

She knows that Shikamaru would have accepted both ways. He knew what healing meant to Sakura. 

“You are not useless either way,” he tells her. “ _Never._ ”

“I know.”

They watch the sunlight filter through their windows, watch it shift across the living room until the moonlight replaces it. Shikamaru puts her to bed, tucking her blanket around her, pressing lips on her forehead. 

She loves Shikamaru but not as much as healing, Sakura thinks.

She accepts Shikamaru’s proposal. She gave healing up to be with him, for Shishou and Kakashi who already lost too many to let another walk willingly to their death. 

She marries him, thinking that maybe this is okay. That she would find something else she loves just as much as healing. She knits, she writes, reads, swims, garden but there is always that gaping hole in her soul. 

They name their first born Shikaten. He has hair like Shikamaru but his eyes are green eyes like hers. He is perfect and soothes that hole.

But it never goes away.

The chakra suppression seal is symbolic. It doesn’t really suppress her chakra like it does for criminals. A reminder that they’re no longer shinobi. If she really wanted… 

Sakura decides to hide her Yin Seal. It hurts too much to see it and know she can’t heal anymore. 

Their second born are fraternal twins. They name their daughter Shikami and their son Shikato. Shikami is almost a copy of Sakura, pink hair and green eyes but with the bone structure and laziness of Shikamaru. It’s obvious that Shikamaru dotes on her the most. Shikato, on the other hand, is almost a copy of Shikamaru but with her personality. 

It’s not Shikami but Shikato that decides to follow her footsteps. Sakura teaches Shikato what she can, using Ino to show practical examples. And though she is proud of him, it still hurts. A reminder of what she can no longer have.

The hole in her soul, flutters its tattered edges every time she watches him.

Sometimes it gets too much, and she hides away in Kakashi’s apartment. She’s a civilian now. She’s not supposed to— can’t, _shouldn’t_ heal again.

Kakashi takes care to never be injured around her as though he knows the war inside her. 

“I’m proud of you,” he reminds her. Whether it’s because of her choice to live without the one thing she truly can’t live without or whatever, Sakura isn’t sure.

There are days, even years after she has retired, where she thinks longingly about how she would rather set herself on fire and heal than to live this empty life.

It’s not living if she has to live without healing and chakra. 

She freezes when Shikami gets into a training accident in their backyard. It’s too far beyond Shikato’s current abilities, but it’s not a life-threatening injury in her opinion, even if the bone is through the flesh. All it takes is a little setting and chakra healing. Her fingers twitches, hankering for the chakra to glow beneath her fingers.

Just a little chakra healing and all will be right...

She raises her hand, the blue chakra suppression seal bright against her pale wrist.

_She can’t, shouldn’t._

“Mama!” Shikato tugs her out of her stupor. 

“Get your mother in the house,” Shikamaru orders. 

“Civilians. _Useless_ ,” Shikaten scoffs as Sakura lets Shikato herd her into the house.

“ _Shikaten,_ ” she hears Shikamaru chide their son. She doesn’t want to hear what excuses Shikamaru would come up for her.

She’s useless without her healing. She can’t even set her daughter’s bone without wanting to heal her. Can’t even…

Sakura hides in Kakashi’s house, unwilling to go home to her children’s disappointed looks in spite of Shikamaru’s pleas.

She’s a civilian now, washout. _Useless._

It takes her weeks before she returns home and despite them not saying a word about the accident, she is aware of the distance that now looms between her and her children. She can’t fault them though. She’s their mother, she should have acted better… done something. She could have taken charge of the whole situation, set Shikami’s bone, send Shikaten to fetch a medic. All the things she could have done without chakra, and she had done none of it. Instead she had just stood there, like a stupid, useless idiot.

Her relationship with her children never improves.

Then the invasion comes and Sakura wonders if this is how the Kyuubi attack looked like. It’s not another hidden village that attacks, but the ones from the outside. A peculiar thing to think about— that their continent had been hidden all this while until the Rabbit Goddess came. 

The buildings are crushed under the might of these Outsiders so called mages. The people are bleeding, dying around her. Shikami is pulling her along, steering her through the chaos when she shakes off Shikami’s hand. 

“Mother!” Shikami scolds. “We have to hurry before the guards close the Civilian’s Shelter.”

Sakura kisses her daughter's cheek. “Tell your brothers I’m sorry and that I love them. Okay?”

“Mother?”

Sakura turns, lets her Yin seal activate. The black lines loop across her skin.

“Sakura-sama?” Katsuyu says. “It’s been a long time.”

She smiles. “It’ll be the last time,” she replies.

The black lines wrap around the bleeding people, healing their wounds in an instant. 

“Hurry before the Civilian’s Shelter closes,” she reminds Shikami. 

She chooses to die this way. In the end, it’s not enough just _surviving._ She’s been alive physically all these years, but it has never been enough. The hole never fills, the pain never goes away. 

Healing had always been her one true love, and nothing had come close.

Sakura heals hundreds, thousands of people through Katsuyu and her Yin seal, beats the so-called mages back with her strength. She feels her chakra coils collapsing from its strain, feels her Yin seal falter and empty. 

The invaders are gone, their people are still alive. Shikamaru hovers over her. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. 

“Don’t be,” he says. That she hadn’t loved him enough to stand back and let them protect her. “I love you.” Shikamaru thumbs her cheek.

“Always.”

_Just not enough that she rather die and heal than to live._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is very personal to me.
> 
> It's been a bad day/week for me. I'm in a very melancholic mood. Although it's about Sakura and her healing, it references my personal journey and probably my current mental state. That years ago, I gave up the cello so as to arrest my illness from depreciating. It sounds dumb, petty even but there are days where I wonder if it's even living without it. The head understands, the heart longs. 
> 
> For those who have something they deeply love and can't do without, embrace it and go out and do it on my behalf.


End file.
